Experience a Trashy Drink Summer in Pittsburgh with These Sweet, Colorful Cocktails | Drinks | Pittsburgh
CP Photo: Rachel Wilkinson
Cherry Limeade Slushy, Sour Gummy Worm, Jelly Donut Shot and Froot Loop Shot at Shorty’s
In a city full of beer lovers and cocktail connoisseurs, consider the humble Trashy Drink. I use that term with as much affection as possible, as I’ve spent years researching the best drinks in this category and had a lot of fun doing it.
I’ll just say it: Most alcoholic beverages taste bad. I feel like I’ve spent most of my adult life being reminded of that fact, and for me, reaching drinking age when the millennial-driven craft beer boom took off was a nightmare. As for alcohol, the cheap stuff burns, the higher-end varieties always leave me unsatisfied, and as someone who still craves an occasional buzz, I’ve always preferred the tastiest beverages available, and those haven’t evolved much for me since my Smirnoff vodka college days.
Much like the famous Supreme Court decision, you know a trashy drink when you see it. Trashy drinks look like fun in a glass: We’re talking neon Lite Bright colors, whipped cream and candy as toppings, and maybe even a plastic toy as a garnish. They are often tropical and reminiscent of the beach or MTV Spring Break.
Before anyone (rightfully) criticizes my underdeveloped palate, you should know that in order to live in polite society, I’ve learned to enjoy a light beer like a Hefeweizen or an inoffensive Pilsner and even a fancy cocktail (of which there are many in Pittsburgh). But I offer this: As a hard-working adult, why not treat yourself to the sweet dessert drink you dreamed of as a child? When did you give up the ghost and let the dream die?
For those who still want to drink with humor, wonder, and more than a few sweeteners, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite trash drinks in Pittsburgh.
Hemingway’s Cafe
3911 Forbes Ave., Oakland. hemingwayspgh.com
While many lament the homogenization of Oakland and the loss of restaurants around the University of Pittsburgh campus, Hemingway’s deserves praise for remaining an institution and keeping its colorful mixed drink pitchers front and center. Known for topping its pitchers and a variety of other fluorescent drinks with gummy worms, candy chains, and other candies, Hem’s remains a mecca for trashy drinks.
It wasn’t always this way—the bar was opened in 1983 by a former Pittsburgh Pirates player and was once a white-tablecloth establishment. But as a Pitt alum, I appreciate Hem’s as a classic college bar, serving cheap drinks with dangerously little alcohol flavor, happy hour specials, and “snacks” like grilled cheese, burgers, and sweet potato tots to soak up every decision you make.
Sandbank at Sandcastle
1000 Sandcastle Dr., Homestead. sandcastlewaterpark.com
An oasis behind a Costco, Sandcastle is generally underrated. Not only can you slide into a dragon’s den, but at Pittsburgh’s home water park (as it’s touted), you can do so tipsy from some of the best frozen drinks. The frozen margarita, pina colada, and alcoholic slushy are all trashy drink classics for me—especially when consumed on the beach or poolside. Not only does Sandcastle serve these drinks on its boardwalk, but you can also get them at the Sandbar, which is right next to a pool and the park’s cabanas. Does the park look like it’s from the ’70s and is it mostly run by indifferent teenagers? It’s all part of the experience. Now all we’re missing is a swim-up bar.
Pins Mechanical Co.
407 Cinema Dr., south side. pinsbar.com/locations/pittsburgh
College bars and water parks are natural hangouts for trashy drinks, but a newer venue, the adult arcade, has brought with it a wonderland of new drinks. Pins Mechanical, the South Side’s “adult playground” that opened in 2022, currently offers “patio favorites,” including a cooler of Patio Punch and four flavors of alcoholic cocktails with shaved ice.
Photo: Courtesy of Rise Brands
Shaved Ice Cocktails at Pins Mechanical
I asked the bartender which flavor of ice cream was the best and he replied, “I’m not one of those people who likes sugary drinks, but it’s the red one.” (He was right.)
Pins’ year-round cocktail menu features all sorts of nostalgic-inspired, colorful drinks with candy skewers, including the Hulk Hogan (blueberry vodka, lemonade, and a red, white, and blue popsicle) and Game Over, a 25-ounce glass with “eight totally rad liquors,” Sprite, lemonade, and Hawaiian Punch—and you get to keep the glass. Take one with you while you toss rings and enter trashy drink heaven.
Shorties
244 W. Bridge St., Homestead and 353 N. Shore Dr., north side. shortysx.com
Another “retrotainment” newcomer is Shorty’s, which invites Pittsburgh residents to two locations for old-fashioned games, patio food, and—most importantly—shots and craft cocktails with names like “Pink Drink” (made with wonderfully trashy watermelon pucker liqueur, lime, and agave).
I always had high hopes for Shorty’s Waterfront, where guests are greeted at the entrance by a large inflatable duck. I knew we were in the right place when the bartender said, “Most of our shots and cocktails are sweet.”
Shorty’s has some stunning trashy drinks on offer, most notably the bright green Sour Gummy Worm. The Long Island-style drink is served in an oversized goblet and offers nearly unlimited sips of mixed alcohol with lemon, lime, agave and orange, all garnished with gummy worms. The floating Jelly Donut Shot, infused with Chambord raspberry liqueur and Baileys, tastes like an adult version of its namesake.
If you need something trashy at brunch, the highest-alcoholic drink of the bunch was a bright blue Froot Loop Shot, made with RumChata, Blue Curacao, and vanilla vodka, garnished with a skewer of Front Loops cereal (Shorty’s recommends reliving your childhood days of drinking cereal milk out of the bowl by dipping the skewer into the drink). Since slushies are a must for a trashy summer, my favorite was the Cherry Limeade, which evoked frozen Minute Maid in the best way possible with cherry vodka, lime, lemonade, sours, demerara, and grenadine.
Photo: Courtesy of Red Lobster
Red Lobster Espresso Martini
Red lobster
4766 McKnight Rd., Ross Township. redlobster.com
This list tragically includes little information about the inventor of the trashy drink, the restaurant chain, and I would be remiss if I didn’t include one. My absolute favorite trashy drink is probably Red Lobster’s Espresso Martini. This drink has had many different names over the years, but was most recently revived for Lobsterfest. Described in a press release as “Red Lobster’s chocolatey take on a modern classic,” the drink contains RumChata, Disaronno Amaretto and espresso and is garnished with a brownie morsel and possibly a strawberry.
The key element here is that it’s a drink that’s unashamedly full of chocolate — previous versions were covered in chocolate syrup — and you can drink it before dinner. Red Lobster may not be around much longer, so enjoy their full line of certified Trashy Drink martinis (they’ve even released watermelon for summer).
